CT drivers, you are on notice.
People that drive 55 in the fast lane, you are on notice.
Road Ragers, you are on notice.
Angry 17 year olds, you are on notice.
Today, on my ride home, I was nice enough to let someone get in front of me as I was in the lane for the off ramp. Personally, I feel 1 car is enough and the next can get behind me. Apparently, the car to my left did not and chose to aggressively cut in front of me.
Now, being that I am a nice enough guy, I forgive this act and go on with my life... but wait, the kid who I "wronged" so badly decides to slam on the break and fish tail in front of me whilst giving me the finger.
As we reach the light at the end of the exit, I pull up beside the person to get a better look. Who could it be? Who have I wronged so greatly that this response was warranted? Ah yes, none other than a 17 year old kid who apparently was not hugged enough by his mother.
As I could not jump out of the car and beat the piss out of this little brat, I will now spend a small portion of my life to verbally destroy him. (I doubt very much he'll read this, but perhaps my readers can find solace if this has happened to them).
1.) 17 year olds have a hard enough time growing goatees. You've chosen to have your patchwork facial hair protrude 3 inches from your face. Good idea, you must be a hit with the ladies.
2.) Proactive. Here is the website, knock yourself out: http://www.proactiv.com
3.) There's no reason to blast death metal from your 1995 model year car with crappy stock speakers. Not only does it sound awful in the first place, it sounds even worse coming from a system like that. I know you're angry at life, but I'd like to think your music choice is not going to help.
4.) You are not the most important person in the world. What difference would it make to get behind me? You ended up next to me on the ramp anyway. Remember me? The guy staring at you while you made it a point not to even look in my direction? Not only do you act like a tough guy in your car, you choose to be a big puss bucket 15 seconds later.
5.) Lastly, long hair only looks good on girls. That's it. No man with hair past their shoulders has ever, ever looked cool. Again, I can only begin to think of the kind of tail you must be getting on the regular.
The worst part is, is not just you. For some reason, Connecticut has a propensity to attract the world's worst drivers. What is the point of driving slow in the passing lane? There are two perfectly good lanes to your right. America is the land of opportunity... please take this opportunity to get the fuck out of my way.
Love Always,
Chase
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
I Hate...People who Hate the New Facebook
DISCLAIMER: If you don't know what Facebook is, move along. Im not taking the time to explain it to you. Seriously, go away.
Facebook has recently changed their site's layout. As a result every 13year old and Twenty-something has lost their shit.
"I CANT FIND MY PICTURES"
"HOW DO I KNOW WHEN ITS MY BFFL4E's BIRTHDAY"
"BOOHOO JEROMY BAERZINBLATZ IS NO LONGER SINGLE"
1. Chill the fuck out. People did the same thing when facebook put that "news feed" bullshit up. People flipped out. Now no one can skip a bowel movement without 435 of your closest friends knowing about it. the worst part is, you all love it now. I know i love it. When the kid who beat me up in middle school gets his first divorce i want to be among the first to know.
2. Most of the people crying about the change support Barack Obama. This is only funny because most of these people have bumper stickers or wall art spouting the phrase "Vote For Change".
3. There are TONS of people creating facebook groups in order to voice their anger about new layout. Seems to me that if you took the time to create a little group, you are finding your way around the site nicely.
4. Its free website that helps you do one of 2 things..
A. Connect with friends.
B. Help you spy on ex's and people you'd like to sleep with. Take a minute to let that sink in and then try to get upset about it again. Wont happen.
Also, take time this week to think about how out of control your life is when you can't handle a website changing its design without falling into a quivering floor pile. Maybe make a list of the things you feel DO have control over. Go ahead...we'll wait.
Ok now if that list did not include the words "My Own Life" delete your account on facebook and go kiss a bus.
Hacky
Facebook has recently changed their site's layout. As a result every 13year old and Twenty-something has lost their shit.
"I CANT FIND MY PICTURES"
"HOW DO I KNOW WHEN ITS MY BFFL4E's BIRTHDAY"
"BOOHOO JEROMY BAERZINBLATZ IS NO LONGER SINGLE"
1. Chill the fuck out. People did the same thing when facebook put that "news feed" bullshit up. People flipped out. Now no one can skip a bowel movement without 435 of your closest friends knowing about it. the worst part is, you all love it now. I know i love it. When the kid who beat me up in middle school gets his first divorce i want to be among the first to know.
2. Most of the people crying about the change support Barack Obama. This is only funny because most of these people have bumper stickers or wall art spouting the phrase "Vote For Change".
3. There are TONS of people creating facebook groups in order to voice their anger about new layout. Seems to me that if you took the time to create a little group, you are finding your way around the site nicely.
4. Its free website that helps you do one of 2 things..
A. Connect with friends.
B. Help you spy on ex's and people you'd like to sleep with. Take a minute to let that sink in and then try to get upset about it again. Wont happen.
Also, take time this week to think about how out of control your life is when you can't handle a website changing its design without falling into a quivering floor pile. Maybe make a list of the things you feel DO have control over. Go ahead...we'll wait.
Ok now if that list did not include the words "My Own Life" delete your account on facebook and go kiss a bus.
Hacky
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
If I was to Rob a Bank...
If I was to rob a bank I would use the F word A LOT.
Just slightly more than that one guy in Forrest Gump did. I'd also end my speech with something like...
"CHEESE FLAVORED ELEPHANTS!"
...so people would know that I was crazy and could snap at any moment.
Hacky
Just slightly more than that one guy in Forrest Gump did. I'd also end my speech with something like...
"CHEESE FLAVORED ELEPHANTS!"
...so people would know that I was crazy and could snap at any moment.
Hacky
Friday, August 29, 2008
I Hate...John McCain
Who does this guy think he's fooling picking Sarah Palin as his VP?
Im guessing this is how the convo went down...
McCain: "Oh no Barack keeps making history! Hes taking up all the History!.....How do I make history?!"
Sarah Palin: I have an idea!
McCain: Pipe down missy. Is Alaska even a state still?
After a night of hard drinking she must have softened him up. Classic Move.
Hacky
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I Hate... Hula Hanks (Stamford, CT)
Ah Hula Hanks...
That crazy bar located in an alley behind all the decent Stamford bars that will eventually land on this blog as well...
The constant beat of bass maxed out to make you think people inside are there enjoying themselves...
The Caribbean theme that remains a novelty for all of 5 minutes...
Hula Hanks... I hate you.
If you're from this part of CT, this is probably a conversation you've had in the past year:
"Hey man, wanna go to Hula's tonight? We haven't been in a while."
"Hula's sucks bro/dude/man/guy. Everytime we go there it's the same thing and we hate it."
"Yea but this time might be different... maybe there will be some beautiful babies and their beautiful baby friends there..."
"Yea maybe, I guess it couldn't hurt to try."
5 minutes after entering the bar, you look back at this conversation and think to yourself "never again..."
At least until next year right? Do yourself a favor and don't get second-guess your instincts on this one folks.
Anyway, let me first say that any bar that requests a cover had better have a good band. Otherwise, what exactly are we paying for? The chance to get in and spend more money on drinks? I've budgeted $60 for the night... I'm going to spend it here one way or another - at least allow me to get drunk and attempt to enjoy this place. And no, I don't want a hopper pass - that place sucks just as much as here (You're next Thirsty Turtle).
Next, as a man, I know if the bartender is male, the attractive girl next to me at the bar is going to get served first. I'm well aware and would probably do the same thing. Seriously though, I think 20 minutes to wait for a drink is a little bit ridiculous, don't you? "Dude, you're probably not going to bang this chick tonight, so can I please have a Bud Light? I'll even come back and open it myself, I don't care, I'd just like a drink. No? Ok, let me know tomorrow if you took her home."
"Alright, Black Bear it is, I hope that place isn't packed tonight."
50 Steps Later...
"Ah Fuck. I'm going home. You win again, Stamford... You always do"
-Chase
Professional Hater
That crazy bar located in an alley behind all the decent Stamford bars that will eventually land on this blog as well...
The constant beat of bass maxed out to make you think people inside are there enjoying themselves...
The Caribbean theme that remains a novelty for all of 5 minutes...
Hula Hanks... I hate you.
If you're from this part of CT, this is probably a conversation you've had in the past year:
"Hey man, wanna go to Hula's tonight? We haven't been in a while."
"Hula's sucks bro/dude/man/guy. Everytime we go there it's the same thing and we hate it."
"Yea but this time might be different... maybe there will be some beautiful babies and their beautiful baby friends there..."
"Yea maybe, I guess it couldn't hurt to try."
5 minutes after entering the bar, you look back at this conversation and think to yourself "never again..."
At least until next year right? Do yourself a favor and don't get second-guess your instincts on this one folks.
Anyway, let me first say that any bar that requests a cover had better have a good band. Otherwise, what exactly are we paying for? The chance to get in and spend more money on drinks? I've budgeted $60 for the night... I'm going to spend it here one way or another - at least allow me to get drunk and attempt to enjoy this place. And no, I don't want a hopper pass - that place sucks just as much as here (You're next Thirsty Turtle).
Next, as a man, I know if the bartender is male, the attractive girl next to me at the bar is going to get served first. I'm well aware and would probably do the same thing. Seriously though, I think 20 minutes to wait for a drink is a little bit ridiculous, don't you? "Dude, you're probably not going to bang this chick tonight, so can I please have a Bud Light? I'll even come back and open it myself, I don't care, I'd just like a drink. No? Ok, let me know tomorrow if you took her home."
"Alright, Black Bear it is, I hope that place isn't packed tonight."
50 Steps Later...
"Ah Fuck. I'm going home. You win again, Stamford... You always do"
-Chase
Professional Hater
Saturday, August 9, 2008
I Hate...Tiernans (Stamford, CT)
Never fails...
We walk in and the fucking coverband starts to play "Dont Stop Believin". Every fucking time. I'm convinced that you NEED to learn that song in order to graduate COVERBAND UNIVERSITY.
So you want to be a coverband? Gimme your best "Don't Stop Believin".
I love Journey...I now hate that song.
Eyebrows
The long and short of it:
Tiernans is always packed to the brim. Good for them. But lets not forget we are in the heart on MANford CT, so when i say "packed" what I really mean is that its like being inside a steamed packet of Ballpark Franks. I can almost taste the sweat of every "bro" that pushes me out of the way to get to the bar.
Not 5 minutes after our entry into the bar I am pushed by this bushy eyebrowed chump in a button down. Now, I fully acknowledge that on most days I deserve to be pushed around, but rest assured, tonight, i did nothing. I look the dick in the face and say, "What the fuck are you doing?" He says nothing and continues to mack on two girls that can only be described as "Classic Dirt Filths" or simply "CDFs"
Not two minutes later, my friend and I are at the bar ordering dranks when we are violently jolted by Eyebrows and his band of merry men SCREAMING the lyrics to "Welcome to the Jungle" (another sweaty coverband classic) in our faces. This will not stand. We turn around to inquire about this kid's problem again, after which he turns and points to his friend and says something to the effect of "Oh you wanna fight this kid?!?"
Utterly confused, we walk away.
(note to self: My wish is to have this blog become so popular that one day EyeBrows reads it and realizes how much of a sizzling ass-master he is.)
Cougars
Moving on, I'm two whiskeys deep in conversation with my homey Jeff. After a few minutes of talking about how Jeff tried to teach his mother the "flying knee" as a matter of self defense, we are approached by a cougar and a CIT (cougar in training).
Cougar: I heard you guys say MOTHER...are you making fun of me?!
Me: No we were trying to teach his mother how to fight.
Cougar: (drunk and disoriented) I like that T-Shirt! Its Cool!
Me: I know what you're doing...
Cougar: Huh?
Me: You're trying to hit on us. Its cool. (mimicking) "Ooooo look at the cool teeshirt!". I've seen it 1000 times.
Cougar: You know I design t-shirts. (blah blah blah bullshit about starting her own buissiness). So watch out for my website!
Me: Ok lady, sell me. Why would I wanna buy your shit?
Cougar: (thinks for 40 to 45 seconds)...cuz they are awesome...and cool to wear.
Me: Thats a horrible sales pitch...you can do better than that.
Im sure she said something else but I stopped paying attention. Plus she got pretty pissed at Jeff after he rested his arm on her head.
Potential Ass Kicking #2
After a few shots and 4 or 5 beers, it's safe to say that Jeff was a little tipsy. All I remember is the bouncer walking up behind Jeff and looking puzzled because Jeff refused to move out of his way. The guy wasn't just confused. He was baffled to say the least. As if to say "Look at these triceps?! Why is this guy still in my way?!". The following is what i remember of their short but entertaining interaction...
Bouncer: When you see me coming...you get OUT of my way!
Jeff: (complete with shit eating grin) I'M THE CUSTOMER....SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY WAY!
Me: (puts hand out between the two) Please don't kill him.
He walked away...Jeff is still alive...everybody wins.
Fucking Dance
Next, we took it upon ourselves to befriend two women standing alone near the back wall of the bar, having been abandoned by their men.
Me: Didn't you two come here with dudes? Why arent you dancing?
Wall flower Sisters: Oh..hahaha...they aren't drunk enough yet. (point to the bar)
Their men were laughing it up at the bar as if it was boys night out. Now, I dont know anything about these women. They could have been horrid, nagging bitches... but they seemed nice enough. So, I felt bad for them.
Deciding our work was done for the night, we start to leave the bar. As we walked out, I glanced over towards the two women hoping that they would be with their men...dancing in a jubilant fashion. To my dismay, they were still all alone near the wall. At first, I was genuinely sad about this. I couldn't help by think, "Why would anyone stay in a relationship with someone who treats you like a winter coat, leaving you in a corner until the end of the night?" Have some respect for yourself...dance if you want to.
I mutter to myself: "nice fucking life"
and walk out.
My advice for this week: Dance
Hacky
We walk in and the fucking coverband starts to play "Dont Stop Believin". Every fucking time. I'm convinced that you NEED to learn that song in order to graduate COVERBAND UNIVERSITY.
So you want to be a coverband? Gimme your best "Don't Stop Believin".
I love Journey...I now hate that song.
Eyebrows
The long and short of it:
Tiernans is always packed to the brim. Good for them. But lets not forget we are in the heart on MANford CT, so when i say "packed" what I really mean is that its like being inside a steamed packet of Ballpark Franks. I can almost taste the sweat of every "bro" that pushes me out of the way to get to the bar.
Not 5 minutes after our entry into the bar I am pushed by this bushy eyebrowed chump in a button down. Now, I fully acknowledge that on most days I deserve to be pushed around, but rest assured, tonight, i did nothing. I look the dick in the face and say, "What the fuck are you doing?" He says nothing and continues to mack on two girls that can only be described as "Classic Dirt Filths" or simply "CDFs"
Not two minutes later, my friend and I are at the bar ordering dranks when we are violently jolted by Eyebrows and his band of merry men SCREAMING the lyrics to "Welcome to the Jungle" (another sweaty coverband classic) in our faces. This will not stand. We turn around to inquire about this kid's problem again, after which he turns and points to his friend and says something to the effect of "Oh you wanna fight this kid?!?"
Utterly confused, we walk away.
(note to self: My wish is to have this blog become so popular that one day EyeBrows reads it and realizes how much of a sizzling ass-master he is.)
Cougars
Moving on, I'm two whiskeys deep in conversation with my homey Jeff. After a few minutes of talking about how Jeff tried to teach his mother the "flying knee" as a matter of self defense, we are approached by a cougar and a CIT (cougar in training).
Cougar: I heard you guys say MOTHER...are you making fun of me?!
Me: No we were trying to teach his mother how to fight.
Cougar: (drunk and disoriented) I like that T-Shirt! Its Cool!
Me: I know what you're doing...
Cougar: Huh?
Me: You're trying to hit on us. Its cool. (mimicking) "Ooooo look at the cool teeshirt!". I've seen it 1000 times.
Cougar: You know I design t-shirts. (blah blah blah bullshit about starting her own buissiness). So watch out for my website!
Me: Ok lady, sell me. Why would I wanna buy your shit?
Cougar: (thinks for 40 to 45 seconds)...cuz they are awesome...and cool to wear.
Me: Thats a horrible sales pitch...you can do better than that.
Im sure she said something else but I stopped paying attention. Plus she got pretty pissed at Jeff after he rested his arm on her head.
Potential Ass Kicking #2
After a few shots and 4 or 5 beers, it's safe to say that Jeff was a little tipsy. All I remember is the bouncer walking up behind Jeff and looking puzzled because Jeff refused to move out of his way. The guy wasn't just confused. He was baffled to say the least. As if to say "Look at these triceps?! Why is this guy still in my way?!". The following is what i remember of their short but entertaining interaction...
Bouncer: When you see me coming...you get OUT of my way!
Jeff: (complete with shit eating grin) I'M THE CUSTOMER....SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY WAY!
Me: (puts hand out between the two) Please don't kill him.
He walked away...Jeff is still alive...everybody wins.
Fucking Dance
Next, we took it upon ourselves to befriend two women standing alone near the back wall of the bar, having been abandoned by their men.
Me: Didn't you two come here with dudes? Why arent you dancing?
Wall flower Sisters: Oh..hahaha...they aren't drunk enough yet. (point to the bar)
Their men were laughing it up at the bar as if it was boys night out. Now, I dont know anything about these women. They could have been horrid, nagging bitches... but they seemed nice enough. So, I felt bad for them.
Deciding our work was done for the night, we start to leave the bar. As we walked out, I glanced over towards the two women hoping that they would be with their men...dancing in a jubilant fashion. To my dismay, they were still all alone near the wall. At first, I was genuinely sad about this. I couldn't help by think, "Why would anyone stay in a relationship with someone who treats you like a winter coat, leaving you in a corner until the end of the night?" Have some respect for yourself...dance if you want to.
I mutter to myself: "nice fucking life"
and walk out.
My advice for this week: Dance
Hacky
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